If you're not my "facebook" friend...

You don't know we're expecting another blessing. I'm "due" in late May or early June, I'm going that route so that I don't get all worked up if this one pulls an Iris on me.

Sunrise

It's been 5 years since I lost my dad to suicide. I was emailing a friend to say "thank you" for a very thoughtful thing that she did, and it got me to thinking. I think that the anniversary of a death is strange, b/c you are remembering a DEATH, not a life. So, while I've had my tears today, I decided to really focus on the anniversary of a journey that God started me on 5 years ago. It's cool to look back and see how He, and ONLY HE, has worked to bring me through this. In a good way. I have seen richer friendships, stronger people, deeper faithfulness, and unending love because of it. From many, many people. Even some gestures today by friends added another layer.

Here's the email, b/c I think I really had a lightbulb go on as I wrote it.


"I am so incredibly blessed and continue to be shocked at how God reveals himself through what seem like tragic, irreparable circumstances. There is a song that says, "you make everything beautiful" and I don't know how applicable the rest of it is, but I keep thinking of this day, and how it's REALLY okay, in fact, as weird as it would sound to the rest of the world, it's a beautiful day. Only because I look back at the last five years and see a journey that God took me on that I wouldn't change, even if it meant getting my dad back. I THINK...but it's good that's not something God asks us to pick! There is another song that says, "How could I know the morning if I knew not midnight?" and that's how I feel. Of course, I've had my tears today, but leaning into the pain is good."

And the text to the song is below.

SUNRISE, by Nichole Nordeman

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There’s a moment when
Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise


And, of course, here's a photo of my daddy. I do miss you and love you, dad, and I am grateful for all the things that you did and sacrificed for me. I'm okay. And I think that you knew I would be.



Also, I know this photo isn't the best, but I really like it b/c that's just what everyday growing up was like-in everyone's house and now in ours. I think there's a pizza box in the background, for sure I see kitty flea spray. And that's his recliner. It was nothing "noteworthy," but that's what makes it special.

IF you read this...

Hi people,
I don't even know who reads this, but if you do, could you please post a comment so I can add you as an invited reader. I'm thinking about making it private.
Thanks,
Katie

Mud Pies

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's a picture of a Haitian woman making mud-cookies. These are used by Haitians to fill their bellies. Sometimes they have small amounts of vegetable shortening, margarine, or salt. But, they're still dirt. And they aren't just something that they do once in a while. These are sold as food at market (for about 5 cents each).

Just been thinking.

So, a while back I told you about my friend who called this my "mommy blog."
For some reason that got under my skin. Not in a bad way.
See, I thought I would never get wrapped up in my kids the way that I am. I thought I would never be that mom who took a photo of her kids every time they turned around and had nothing better to talk about than their poop.
And, here I am, doing it.
And, I've been trying to avoid it. I am going to make a concentrated effort to TRY and talk about other things. All that is why I haven't blogged in a while.
I've hesitated posting much about my faith or other "behind the smiles" things, mostly b/c I have a lot of different people who read my blog. I don't want to offend anyone. BUt by making that choice, I've run out of things to post. So here it is, read it or don't, it's your choice.

Jason is going to Haiti for a week. This is a small drop in a very large bucket toward what needs to be done in that country. But, what I'm praying for is that Jason would come back with a large cup full of water to put in the bucket for what needs to be done in this family. (This is going to seem "mommy", but it's bigger than that, so bear with me).

Our family lacks vision. We are wrapped up in our tiny lives, and not at all looking at how we can affect the world around us.

We wake up, go to work (I have sort of a "real" part time job now), come home, deal with kids, try to spend time with each other, and go to sleep. I am not okay with this anymore. I was trying to say that it's b/c I have little kids. Really? I can't imagine that this is a good excuse to God when I live in America, since everything from changing diapers to eating dinner, is convenient. I need a little perspective. I am praying for and counting on Jason for this.

I don't know what God has for us. But it can't just be this. I HATE that I've forgotten the Katie I used to be, wanting to join the peace corps, wanting to hop on a plane to help refugees, believing that God could really use me as one woman to impact the world for Him. In a lot of different ways. I remember when I married Jason, I told him how excited that I was to join with him to creatively serve the Lord. Um...if struggling to wake up at 6am to do the WiiFit and staying up late to read Harry Potter is "creatively serving the Lord," then I'm doing well.

We are looking at buying a house here. It is taking forever. That's okay, though, because I'm really wanting to do what the Lord wants us to do. Buying a house seems like the responsible thing to do. BUt it's awfully middle-class, American, and tied-down as well. So, Lord, if it's NOT what you want for us, PLEASE don't let it happen. If you have something more or better for us (not in a house, but in LIFE), please close up that door for the time. The desire of my heart, more than a house, is to experience life in you, God.

Another thing I'm struggling with is "conviction." What that means to me right now is having a strong sense of what is right and wrong "for my family." Or "for me, personally." This gets thrown around a lot in church. Not from the pulpit, mostly from the members in small group situations. I've found that I have very little conviction aside from what's in God's word. More on that later. Probably much more.

For now, I'm going to creatively serve the Lord by figuring out why in the heck my kids aren't asleep. And then I'll do my WiiFit, b/c I couldn't do it this morning. Sigh...

When I grow up....

Maizie: Mom, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Me: Oh, that's sweet. What part?

Maizie: All the parts.

Redrum Thumb

Jason and Maizie went to Iowa this weekend, leaving Cheeky and me all by ourselves. Since Iris refuses to sleep past 6am, she still (at 18 months) takes 2 very long naps. This leaves me alone, yet housebound.

When Jason was originally planning to leave, I thought of all the chores I must do. I am going to be selling some stuff at a garage sale at the end of the month, and really need to get a jump on that. But then, my mom sent me a gift card to Bachmans (garden center/florist) for my birthday so that I would spend it entirely on myself (grrr...those of you that have limited money know how ANNOYINGLY LOVING this is-can't exactly buy diapers or tylenol at Bachmans). Anyway, without a choice, I decided to spend the day "using" my giftcard.

So Iris and I went to buy the flowers this morning. We bought 5 different things, all different colors. Then we went to JoAnns and bought paint that matched the colors of the plants. I then came home and dug out all my old terra cotta pots and painted them each a different color. They are drying right now, but as soon as they are dry, I will make my pot garden. I have no time for real gardens. The weeds are killer. I DO think that gardens are so cool. I am sure that gardening makes healthy people and a healthy community and world peace and all the like, but I just don't have the time or patience for it. Even if I did, I actually am not a green thumb at all. I'm a redrum thumb. But I CAN keep a pot of flowers looking healthy for a limited period of time.

So, coming soon, photos of Katie's Garden...

Non-mommy

Today I pruned some lilacs from the alley. They don't actually originate in the city-owned alley, they originate from another person's yard.
So, I loved-languaged the person whose yard they originate from and I did an act of service by pruning them, just a bit.
Oh, you think I stole them?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind? I mean, aren't they everyone's lilacs?
I think so. God surely doesn't apply commandments to his very own creation. Um...
They are pretty regardless.

On another note, I've been seeing a nutritionist, who has effectually banned me from eating carbs. All of them. For just a little while. We'll see how this goes. This includes grains like whole-wheat couscous, quinoa, brown rice, etc. What may hurt more is that it also includes cookies. Even ones made with whole-wheat flour. But, is ice cream really a carb? I may have found a loophole.

On another note, I'm trying to not write this all about my kids. A good friend called this a "mommy blog" and then proceeded to "throw up in [her] mouth" when she called it that. It's hard, though. I don't have much to write about. You may start to see some really great fiction on here.

On yet another note (I've already got four different notes on here-do, re, mi, and fa!) I may learn to tapdance. I have no idea where or when, but this is a non-mommy thing I can do. I really want to learn to sew, but the only reason is so that I can make pretty dresses for miniature people, which MAY be construed as a mommy thing to do, depending on who those mini-people are. I also want to learn to wield knives like Rachel Ray, but this is VERY close to mommy-ish as well, because we all know mommies need to know how to wield knives to mince scallions and make threats more effective. So, tapdancing it is. I could play my trumpet and tap dance at the same time. That would be amazing.
Anyone giving lessons?

Top 5 things about Sarah

Yesterday was my sister's 30th birthday. She lives far away right now, it sometimes feels further than it is. I haven't visited her b/c of the small children, and she probably can't get here b/c of jobs or money or time. But she's 30!
I wanted to get this up for her birthday, but I didn't have time to give it proper thought.
Anyway, Sarah and I are pretty different. But she's my sister. So it doesn't matter, really. We've both been through the wood chipper and then been able to somehow reassemble ourselves to be functioning again. Like the door on Monster's Inc. And wasn't it more special b/c someone took the time to put it back together with such love and care?

So here are just a few of my favorite things/memories about Sarah (in no particular order).

1. While I HATE that she spends any money whenever there are holidays, she goes to thrift shops and buys the most random things for gifts. But my girls think they are great. The point is that even though she is adult, she just "gets" little kids. Not just a little bit. Like, a lot.
2. She always says "I love you" first. I can't win on this. And, she's incredibly forgiving of my brattiness.
3. When we were in middle school, my mom and dad hired house painters and didn't tell us when they would start. Sarah and I were home alone, and one of the painters hoisted himself up outside of her window (on the second floor). She freaked out and army crawled into my room stage-whispering, "there's a man outside of my window." It STILL makes me laugh outloud.
4. If I call her in the middle of the night saying "I got one of those feelings, are you okay?" she doesn't say, "You are crazy, leave me alone." She says, "Oh no. Did you call mom and check on her, too?"
5. Her hair. And that she always stayed true to herself and never got her ears pierced.

Temper tantrums and the like...

I don't actually know what "the like" is, but it seemed like such a bloggie title!

So, temper tantrums and the like.

We went to the "liblarie" today. I am such a rock star mom that I had books about spring reserved in order to help explain the new season to Maizie. Barf, I know. But that's one of my things I do. Reserve copious amounts of children's books. I'm sure that the librarian hates me.

Anyway, right before we went in, I reviewed "the rules" with Maizie.

"If momma says, 'come here,' Maizie does what?"
"Say, 'okay,' and come right away!"
"And does Maizie go into the library loudly?" (like a circus elephant in a pink tutu with her newly discovered broadway voice)
"No, I go very softly!"

So, in we go.

Maizie goes straight to that wire/bead/wooden thing, the staple of every doctor's office, DOT, and library. I grab three books and wheel Iris over to the dirty reading bench. I heft the 80 pound "reading bear" on the floor and clear a spot for the three of us.

"Okay, Maizie! Come here please. Let's read."
"No thanks, momma. I'm busy right now."
"Oops. Maizie, please come."

NOTE: I expect that "please come" be heeded. Every time. It's simple to follow, it's invaluable b/c I say it every day, it's safe b/c there are times that you don't want your kids far away. So that is the "why."

I knew what doing what I did would cause. I knew it. But I had to do it. Because sometimes mothering is doing the hard thing.

"Maizie, we have to go. You didn't obey, so we cannot stay at the library."

You know what happens next. The good thing is that she did not end up on the floor kicking and screaming. She at least held my hand and threw her tantrum as we were leaving. I'll call it a "walking tantrum."

As we were having the "walking tantrum," my stroller buddy decided that she was furious, too. So now we have a walking tantrum and a rolling tantrum. In the library. If I were to make a top 5 list of places you do not want your kids to throw fits, the library and the doctor's office would top the list. Come to think of it, the DOT would be there, too. All the places that have the bead/wire/wooden things. Hmm...

But the WORST part was the daggers, not from the librarians or retirees (one of whom smiled so kindly at me), but the OTHER MOMS! Moms were glaring at me. Some didn't know where to look, me or the girls. But they had to look. Popping out from bookshelves, looking over the top of computers, stopping in their tracks. Gasp...my child would NEVER do that. Are you abusing her? I'm very concerned about the welfare of that child. There is the future of our country, going down the tubes. Was that stroller bought at a garage sale (maybe this is too, far, but it just FEELS so bad, you know)?

I just wanted to scream! I'm DOING THE RIGHT THING! Despite how horrible everyone is acting, I am not yelling, screaming, hitting, swearing, or firing automatic weapons. In fact, my eyes have tears in them! It is HARD to do the right thing. It is so much easier to give third and fourth and eighteenth chances until your kid doesn't listen to you at all. It is HARD to give up my afternoon at the library, where my girls will be entertained for quite a while and trade it for an afternoon of temper tantrum diffusal in my messy house. Yes, I instigated the tantrum. I knew it would happen, and I dug my heal into it and chose the hard path. You better believe that won't happen again (at the library with Maizie in the next 2-3 months, anyway).

That being said, I need to lighten up on other moms. I've been there before, I was there today. And I'll be there again. I need to think the best. I need to smile or wink or anything. Or mouth, "it's okay." Or even, "Good job. Hang in there. You can win this."

Thank you, God, for loud music in the van on the way home.
And, thank you, God, for (semi) hard lessons not (very) easily forgotten.

I did NOT give it to her...

And I quote:

"Warning: To avoid danger of suffocation, keep this plastic bag away from babies and children. Do not use this bag in cribs, beds, carriages, or playpens."



Thank you God, for knowing my kid was making a hat out of a diaper wrapper even when I did not.

"I walk, I walk!!!"

I'm a stay at home mom.

So my life isn't all that "exciting."

But I do wait around for those special moments. Like first words, first roll-over, first peas...first STEPS.

And, of course, Iris decided to take hers for two ladies, not even blood related, at the YMCA nursery.
Oh, don't worry, someone caught the second and third set of steps on THEIR cellphone camera, so I was able to see those.
Oh Iree...me and you are gonna do this stuff for the rest of our lives, aren't we?

Anyway, by the time I pried other people's 4-year-olds off of me (I work at the Y in the childcare VERY part time for those of you who have no idea) and jogged down to the nursery she looked at me and yelled:

"I WALK, I WALK!"

Worth the seventeen month wait to hear her excitement, I think.

No 11 month old even knows what they are doing. But Iris did. She's been working on it for a while now. Standing up all by herself and clapping so hard her hands almost fall off. Saying "yay!!!" when we hold her hands and walk her around the room. And finally, "I WALK, I WALK!" As if she couldn't even believe it.

Thank you Lord, for almost-missed blessings.

God is never, never here...

Precious.
Explaining a complicated holiday to a preschooler.

Because what in the world is the link between eggs, death, bunnies, chocolate, life and grandma's dog?

Grandma came to visit last week. She let Maizie know (in the middle of Target, of course) that her dog died.
Kind of a big deal.
Later, Maizie cries to me about it.
"Maybe Skyla can come back and be a new dog."
"No, babes. She's with God and eating birthday cake." I have no idea why this is what I always think dogs get to do in Heaven, but I do and so that's what I told Maiz.
"I'll never, never, never see Skyla ever again?"

Flash forward.

Decorations for easter: eggs, more eggs, bunnies, baskets, chicks, more bunnies. Lots of pink and purple and baby animals, every princesses special holiday! How fun and cute!

Flash forward.
Driving to Target at 8pm. Just me and Maizie. Because everything meaningful happens at Target or on the way to Target or can be bought at Target.

"Maiz, I want to tell you a story."
And on to tell about Jesus dying (like Skyla) and being buried in a tomb and a huge rock as big as daddy being pushed in front of it.
"And when the ladies went back in 3 days, Jesus's body wasn't there anymore.
He was gone."

Silence.
Then a sob.
And another sob.

"He wasn't there anymore?"

"Yeah, Maiz, he was dead and then missing."

Sob.
"God is never, never going to come back. He is gone and dead. And never, never have Jesus."

Wait, Katie, wait...

"Always gone, never, never..."

Wait, Katie, wait...

"Oh momma!"

And, now.

"But Maizie. Guess what had happened? Jesus rose from the dead! He wasn't in the tomb because God made him alive again. He was walking around and talked to the ladies. Isn't that exciting, Maizie!"

Laughter. Joy. Bliss!!!
"Oh MOMMA! That's so great! He's just back! And he can help us and be friends with us and help us set up our dishes!"

To think that I've "always" known the end of the story. And that Jesus has always been risen in my mind. To never feel that sorrow that Jesus was dead and missing forever and ever. And the joy that he's come back!

Thanks for that Maizie...

I'm still waiting to be asked if Skyla can come back too. And I still don't know how to even begin to link to the bunny.

3 Things

As a mom, I sometimes feel like I get something figured out that I should share. Most of the time, the idea doesn't actually come from my head, but it needs to be shared b/c I've tried it and it works.
So right now I have 3 things.

1. Blanket Time: At the age of 20 or so months, we started teaching Maizie how to sit "quietly" on a blanket for an extended period of time. It started with 5 minutes. Lots of praise, lots of excitement. Then 10 minutes. By 2, she could sit quietly on a blanket for 30-45 minutes. Now it's a full hour. Of course, she's not just staring into space. I give her "quiet" toys, like magnet sets, books, puzzles, sometimes (though very rarely) legos. And she can do it. It's amazing. I can read, cook, be in or out of the room, clean, whatever-and she's in the same place that I left her. On the blanket. It's seriously vital. If you have a young child, PLEASE implement this. It's especially been great since Maizie doesn't nap anymore. This idea was shared with me by multiple people, so I can take no credit, but it works.

2. Never allow your child to ask for anything in the store. The answer is an automatic "no" and possibly other consequences. THEN, when you do surprise her, with a puzzle or a box of animal cookies...oh, the joy! On both sides. It's amazing, and I'm quite glad I've stood firm on this. Remember: In Target, you are weak. Not only have you already spent too much money, but EVERYONE else there has much better behaved kids than you do. You already know this. Soooo, in order to get your kids to APPEAR to be as courteous as the VonTrap family in aisle 2, you will give in to a temper tantrum. I recall knowing this from a very young age about my parents. So stand firm when it's no big deal.

3. Read-Aloud Bible Stories by Ella K. Lindvall. Worth every penny, if not more. Big pictures, little words, action focused...awesome. Can't say enough.


I would love to hear your "3 Things." They don't have to be life defining or changing, just really good advice/tips/ideas.

What I just did to a chicken and another story...

I was going to simply blog about this cute thing that Maizie did that I don't want to forget, and was going to do it after I got dinner in the oven.
That was BEFORE I "made" dinner. Essentially, I took a headless chicken body ripped back the skin (don't want to hear that sound too much in my life) and shoved oranges and brown sugar underneath it. I then broke it's legs (accidentally-and again, another sound I don't want to hear) while trying to figure out which way is "up" for cooking. This is nothing compared to the day I stuck a pop can in the, um, cavity of a headless chicken and had it sitting on it in my oven.
Blech. Is it really worth the money saved?

Anyway, two days ago, I was pretty sick. I actually was very nauseous, and was lying on the bathroom floor with a pillow when Maizie Monster comes in. "Momma, are you sick?"
"Yes, I'm gonna throw up." (In 3-year-old world, this is similar to saying, I'm going to get a leg amputated or hold my cheek to a hot oven for 2 minutes).
Maizie cautiously comes close to me, clumsily strokes my hair back out of my face, and says..."Oh pretty one..."
Then, "Poor momma. I can hold you."
She proceeds to sit on my lap and "hold me" very tightly, all the while stroking my hair.
"You want me read you a story?"
"Sure"
"You stay RIGHT there, momma" (like I'm going anywhere).
She darts down the hall like only small children can, those little feet pounding on our wood floor. Boom boom boom boom.
And back. Boom boom boom boom.
She's got a counting board book, and she then sits on the closed toilet all authoritatively (like her Sunday school teacher, I'm guessing).
One Flower.
Two buckles.
Three Ducks.
I just wished I could have captured it forever. Right there, Maizie at her best. Taken all that was sweet and innocent and unabashed and compassionate about the whole situation and squished it into her whole life.
That's my prayer for her, I suppose. Lord, keep that about my three year old. Clean out the stubbornness and selfishness and grumpiness and anger, but leave that please.

Haiti, Parks, and Hibernation

In no particular order:

Haiti:  I am going to a meeting tonight about a trip our church is taking to Haiti.  We send food via Kids Against Hunger there.  I want to go, not just to the meeting, but to Haiti.  It makes no sense for me in this "season" of life, and I know it would be heartbreaking, but I really want to go. I'll let you know when it is decided .  

Parks:  The temperature reached 30 degrees yesterday, so we went to a park.  We weren't the only ones there, either.  Maizie was all decked out in her snowsuit and Iris rode in the stroller which did surprisingly well in the slushy, dirty, snow.  It felt very Minnesotan.  Where else are people doing things like this?  Maybe Alaska, I suppose.

Hibernation:  I have figured out that I actually need to hibernate.  No, really.  Every winter, I must put on extra weight and stay in my jammies all day.  Is there any purpose to this other than it's too cold and dark for me to deal?  No.  Same with bears.  The problem comes when my kids don't hibernate.  See, they actually have learned to anti-hibernate.  They get more energy and skinnier.  

ho-hum...

Steve, not Joe

It's cold.  And despite all my desires, when the windchill hits 35 below, I will stay home with the girls for the day.  A lot of women I know never leave their houses.  I have no idea what would possess them to do this.  Actually, I do know, and they are good reasons, but not for us. Maybe two days during the week we stay home.  

Anyway, during the dark, deep, bear hibernation winter, this all changes.  I am required to stay home.  Winter one was easy, b/c Maizie napped in the afternoon and so did I.  Winter two, same thing.  Winter three, tougher-two kids.  Lots of t.v. for Maizie, and I kept telling myself it was because I had a new baby and that things would get better in years to come.  Never again, I swore, would I pass a winter with television.

Results show: Winter four, not better.  

As we speak, my napless 3 year old is watching Blues Clues.  She's already watched Curious George (one and a half times), Superwhy, & Sesame Street.  This is not good.  She is like an addict.  The more she watches, the more she wants to watch. 

I feel pretty guilty about this.   

But, before I am too "judged," let me tell you what else we did today.

We played: restaurant (a LOT), Pat-Pat Rocket, tickle war, dance-a-thon (mommy exercised), and magna doodle.

We had blanket time...this is when Maizie sits on her blanket for about an hour and quietly plays with puzzles, books, dominoes, and magnet sets while I sit on the 

couch and read my Bible and other books.

We colored a zillion pictures from Maizie's coloring book with colored pencils, which she seems to be quite good at, but takes forever.

And we read about 100 books-half of them non-fiction (we're learning about birds right now), a science magazine (thanks, grammy!), and three iSpy books.  

So....

My question is, those of you moms who rarely leave your houses and don't let your kids watch t.v....

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!  

I am staring down another month of this, and I can't even begin to fathom coming out a sane person.  I am afraid when it's done, I'll be a cross between Mr. Noodle, Steve, and June, and I'm not sure I can handle it.  But on the other hand, at least those people can speak (MOST of those people, anyway), have friends (despite the fact that most of them are talking animals), and a fan base.  

          

 So maybe the t.v. is better than the alternative of no t.v. and coming out of the winter with a fake smile, wide-blinking eyes, glitter stuck in my hair, and responding to everything like a preschool teacher ("Ohhh....weeelll....oopsies....that blow torch to your sister is probably not a great idea, but what ELSE could you do, sweetie?  *blink, blink, blink*").   

  

I'm taking suggestions.  Not one time craft ideas, but real life suggestions on what to do with myself and my kids for the rest of the winter.  So, I beg, if you've got this under control, please give me the heads up.  I feel like I need to take a community ed. class about mothering in a MN winter.

sigh...

And now, 

more Blue's Clues.