If you're not my "facebook" friend...

You don't know we're expecting another blessing. I'm "due" in late May or early June, I'm going that route so that I don't get all worked up if this one pulls an Iris on me.

Sunrise

It's been 5 years since I lost my dad to suicide. I was emailing a friend to say "thank you" for a very thoughtful thing that she did, and it got me to thinking. I think that the anniversary of a death is strange, b/c you are remembering a DEATH, not a life. So, while I've had my tears today, I decided to really focus on the anniversary of a journey that God started me on 5 years ago. It's cool to look back and see how He, and ONLY HE, has worked to bring me through this. In a good way. I have seen richer friendships, stronger people, deeper faithfulness, and unending love because of it. From many, many people. Even some gestures today by friends added another layer.

Here's the email, b/c I think I really had a lightbulb go on as I wrote it.


"I am so incredibly blessed and continue to be shocked at how God reveals himself through what seem like tragic, irreparable circumstances. There is a song that says, "you make everything beautiful" and I don't know how applicable the rest of it is, but I keep thinking of this day, and how it's REALLY okay, in fact, as weird as it would sound to the rest of the world, it's a beautiful day. Only because I look back at the last five years and see a journey that God took me on that I wouldn't change, even if it meant getting my dad back. I THINK...but it's good that's not something God asks us to pick! There is another song that says, "How could I know the morning if I knew not midnight?" and that's how I feel. Of course, I've had my tears today, but leaning into the pain is good."

And the text to the song is below.

SUNRISE, by Nichole Nordeman

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There’s a moment when
Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise


And, of course, here's a photo of my daddy. I do miss you and love you, dad, and I am grateful for all the things that you did and sacrificed for me. I'm okay. And I think that you knew I would be.



Also, I know this photo isn't the best, but I really like it b/c that's just what everyday growing up was like-in everyone's house and now in ours. I think there's a pizza box in the background, for sure I see kitty flea spray. And that's his recliner. It was nothing "noteworthy," but that's what makes it special.

IF you read this...

Hi people,
I don't even know who reads this, but if you do, could you please post a comment so I can add you as an invited reader. I'm thinking about making it private.
Thanks,
Katie

Mud Pies

To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, here's a picture of a Haitian woman making mud-cookies. These are used by Haitians to fill their bellies. Sometimes they have small amounts of vegetable shortening, margarine, or salt. But, they're still dirt. And they aren't just something that they do once in a while. These are sold as food at market (for about 5 cents each).

Just been thinking.

So, a while back I told you about my friend who called this my "mommy blog."
For some reason that got under my skin. Not in a bad way.
See, I thought I would never get wrapped up in my kids the way that I am. I thought I would never be that mom who took a photo of her kids every time they turned around and had nothing better to talk about than their poop.
And, here I am, doing it.
And, I've been trying to avoid it. I am going to make a concentrated effort to TRY and talk about other things. All that is why I haven't blogged in a while.
I've hesitated posting much about my faith or other "behind the smiles" things, mostly b/c I have a lot of different people who read my blog. I don't want to offend anyone. BUt by making that choice, I've run out of things to post. So here it is, read it or don't, it's your choice.

Jason is going to Haiti for a week. This is a small drop in a very large bucket toward what needs to be done in that country. But, what I'm praying for is that Jason would come back with a large cup full of water to put in the bucket for what needs to be done in this family. (This is going to seem "mommy", but it's bigger than that, so bear with me).

Our family lacks vision. We are wrapped up in our tiny lives, and not at all looking at how we can affect the world around us.

We wake up, go to work (I have sort of a "real" part time job now), come home, deal with kids, try to spend time with each other, and go to sleep. I am not okay with this anymore. I was trying to say that it's b/c I have little kids. Really? I can't imagine that this is a good excuse to God when I live in America, since everything from changing diapers to eating dinner, is convenient. I need a little perspective. I am praying for and counting on Jason for this.

I don't know what God has for us. But it can't just be this. I HATE that I've forgotten the Katie I used to be, wanting to join the peace corps, wanting to hop on a plane to help refugees, believing that God could really use me as one woman to impact the world for Him. In a lot of different ways. I remember when I married Jason, I told him how excited that I was to join with him to creatively serve the Lord. Um...if struggling to wake up at 6am to do the WiiFit and staying up late to read Harry Potter is "creatively serving the Lord," then I'm doing well.

We are looking at buying a house here. It is taking forever. That's okay, though, because I'm really wanting to do what the Lord wants us to do. Buying a house seems like the responsible thing to do. BUt it's awfully middle-class, American, and tied-down as well. So, Lord, if it's NOT what you want for us, PLEASE don't let it happen. If you have something more or better for us (not in a house, but in LIFE), please close up that door for the time. The desire of my heart, more than a house, is to experience life in you, God.

Another thing I'm struggling with is "conviction." What that means to me right now is having a strong sense of what is right and wrong "for my family." Or "for me, personally." This gets thrown around a lot in church. Not from the pulpit, mostly from the members in small group situations. I've found that I have very little conviction aside from what's in God's word. More on that later. Probably much more.

For now, I'm going to creatively serve the Lord by figuring out why in the heck my kids aren't asleep. And then I'll do my WiiFit, b/c I couldn't do it this morning. Sigh...

When I grow up....

Maizie: Mom, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Me: Oh, that's sweet. What part?

Maizie: All the parts.

Redrum Thumb

Jason and Maizie went to Iowa this weekend, leaving Cheeky and me all by ourselves. Since Iris refuses to sleep past 6am, she still (at 18 months) takes 2 very long naps. This leaves me alone, yet housebound.

When Jason was originally planning to leave, I thought of all the chores I must do. I am going to be selling some stuff at a garage sale at the end of the month, and really need to get a jump on that. But then, my mom sent me a gift card to Bachmans (garden center/florist) for my birthday so that I would spend it entirely on myself (grrr...those of you that have limited money know how ANNOYINGLY LOVING this is-can't exactly buy diapers or tylenol at Bachmans). Anyway, without a choice, I decided to spend the day "using" my giftcard.

So Iris and I went to buy the flowers this morning. We bought 5 different things, all different colors. Then we went to JoAnns and bought paint that matched the colors of the plants. I then came home and dug out all my old terra cotta pots and painted them each a different color. They are drying right now, but as soon as they are dry, I will make my pot garden. I have no time for real gardens. The weeds are killer. I DO think that gardens are so cool. I am sure that gardening makes healthy people and a healthy community and world peace and all the like, but I just don't have the time or patience for it. Even if I did, I actually am not a green thumb at all. I'm a redrum thumb. But I CAN keep a pot of flowers looking healthy for a limited period of time.

So, coming soon, photos of Katie's Garden...